Father's day letter to Emma

very first picture with Granpa, you are two months old. He was so scared of holding you so I propped you next to him.

your first birthday.

He loved animals, and had such a soft spot for strays. You now know where your moma got that same need to rescue all animals from harm.

On each father’s day you and I have picked out cards not just for your papa, but also your grandpa, my father. Two years ago you helped me make grandpa a mug by placing our signature hand print on it and signing it Bam Bam. That mug was his prized possession. He would always remind my mom, your grandma, to be very careful because “my girl” made it for him and that it was "very special". Yesterday morning I showed you a picture of Grandpa and 5 minutes later you came around the corner and told me that “granpa es bye bye”. It made me sad, but it warmed my heart that at your tender age of two and a half you are able to remember him and are aware that he has indeed gone bye bye.

This year is going to be a year of firsts without grandpa and as I try to figure out how to cope with his absence, I am aware that he lives on in us, through you and Logan and in all the small things he did for me as a child. It is very bitter that the first holiday we celebrate without him is Father’s Day. I write you today so you can remember him and know just how much he loved you. He more than loved you, he adored you. His eyes would literally twinkle when he saw you and he would just sit back and follow you around the room with his eyes. Perhaps you reminded him of me, since we are practically twins separated by some 30 years, or perhaps he was reminded of how wonderful life is and how it goes on. He was such a giving man and extremely thoughtful. He was always on the lookout for things he thought we would like. I have found catalogues where he circled things and had your or Logan’s name written to the side. He was always thinking of you, and his family. He was very quiet and there are not a lot of stories of grand adventures with him, but it is the small things that he did that still mean so much to me. How he embroidered my name onto first school bag, and how he made my own wooden pencil box, or how he remembered how upset I was that no boy gave me flowers for Valentine’s, so he went out and got me a huge bouquet and quietly left them in my room.

You were his Bam Bam; he gave you that name early on. See back in the day there was a cartoon called The Flintstones and there was a baby named Bam Bam who was freakishly strong, much like you. You would crash into things and slam toys around and that would make him laugh, so he gave you that moniker. Till the end he would only refer to you as his Bam Bam and he would always end each conversation by reminding us to always take good care of you because you were too lovely of a little girl. He had such patience, love and concern for you. I remember on your first birthday you could not sit still and were all over the place and he would just watch you like a mama cat, silent but so attentive. He was so gentle and I am sorry that your memory of him will fade but you need to believe me when I tell you that he is watching over you. You have to trust me when I tell you he lives on in your good deeds, because he taught us by example and he never hurt anyone, he never stole nor lied. He gave all that he could and more. A more humble, more altruistic man I have not meet, well…you will one day see that you are just as lucky to have a father like I did.

So Bam Bam, you might not see him or remember him but never for once doubt that he adored you and he is right there next to you, guiding you.