so i haven't written in a while. It has been a rough past week for me as a mom but mostly as a person. Emma is really getting to be handful. she is who she is, and i need to learn to accept it but it is hard. In my head i always dreamt that having a baby girl meant having a little companion. I thought she would enjoy me dressing her up ten times a day, that she would want to be held, that she would hold my hand and come to me when i called her name. Looking at other children I find it hard to understand why Emma cannot be more like them. I know this sounds harsh and cold, i am aware we are not to compare our children to others, and we must accept them for who they are. I will always love and support my child no matter what but this is a learning process. I am trying to learn to let go of the preconceived notions i had built in my mind and embrace the reality that parenthood is indeed very difficult. How the few moments of joy are much less frequent that the pain you endure in raising and disciplining them. Patience....you need patience. My deepest sorrow comes in not being able to hold emma, to cuddle her and just have a moment with her, in peace. She squirms so much , she cannot be still for even 5 seconds. I fear she might be ADHD. Every time I try to pick her up she screams and wants to be put down. SHe wants to run and climb. If i just want to sit on the sofa and watch Olivia with her and have her on my lap, she rather be using my legs as a pretend horse. Every parent wishes to at least be able to hold their child, cuddle with them. It is something so simple but so rewarding and unless you are a parent i feel you cannot completely understand my petty desire to just have a moment with her. It is always go go go . She only clings when she is scared or tired and on her terms. She will sit on my lap when she wants me to read to her and i cherish that, but again, i have to be doing something to keep her entertained. Maybe this is how all toddlers are? maybe she just has a little too much energy, maybe she is just really curious, maybe she is a genius and gets bored easily. I have no point of comparison and when i do, i just get more caught up in my silly fears. she is the best, she is who she is. she is little person who loves. I just wonder why she has such a strong sense of independence. i cannot even hand her a chip, she has to be the one to take it out of the bag. it is almost as if she doesn't need me. She rarely cries when i leave her with the sitter or with her dad, she is in her own world. she is fearless and she just does what she does. i adore her, she is wonderful, she is funny she is my world.